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[21 Jan 2004|08:16pm] |
I swear I can`t be heartbroken
because I swear I have no heart to break.
I`ll swear those lines are bullshit, if you
swear that you`re not fake.
I swear I cannot fall
because I haven`t taken a step.
I swear that nothing drops because
in my veins there`s nothing left.
I swear you`d make a good secret
but I swear I`ve spilt my guts.
I swear those lines are bullshit and
I swear you`ve heard enough.
I swear I can`t let go because
I swear I`m not holding on.
I`ll swear those lines are bullshit
if you swear that you`re not gone.
i`m god.
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[26 Dec 2003|03:44pm] |
hi
/writing
seems like i`m slipping into a dream within a dream.
_i chose to live.
so it`s like...
i`m torn between openly hating people or just kind of blowing them off.
THESE PROBLEMS I HAVE, I SWEAR.
because.
fuck this.
nevermind.
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[02 Dec 2003|07:57pm] |
and i can so whatever.
this song hits me here.
no one knows; what`s done is done
i`d love to write some marvelous awe-inspiring poem.
say awe fucker. or something; whatever.
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[01 Dec 2003|06:54pm] |
back is the hurt. whatever.
i hope i die before prom night.
sounds like an emo lyric.
ew.
one day i`m gunna have this kickass life, and be like HAHA fuckers. because i`m going to forget everyone.
or damn near everyone. whatever. its going to be great.
and thats even if i die before prom night.
i don`t care. i`m going back to my old ways.
fuck this. i`m stressed. fuck you, i`m afraid.
whatever. no more facade. no more shit.
newsflash fuckers, i`m morbid, i`m bitter, i`m arrogant, i`m lame, i suck at finding outlets, i blame you for all my shit
oh. and i`m fucking invisibe. and i say fuck because people say i shouldn`t.
and i like to call girls cunts because they hate it.
i think i have shitty friends.
i think i`m different from you but i know i`m not and
if i kill me, i kill you.
and i hate you.
so wtf is the problem?
exactly. i win.
i always win; i forgot to mention that.
if i don`t... whatever.
it`s too late.
and fuck my reasons.
they`re all my own,
I HAVE NO REASONS
i don`t care.
and i`m not writing this for sympathy so fuck you and your cards.
i`m writing this for me.
and i`m not writing this because i broke up with him.
THANK FUCKING GOD I BROKE UP WITH HIM.
or i`d be dead. FUCKING DEAD.
and that is not an exaggeration.
and i`m not writing this because i`m DIFFERENT.
i`m writing this because i`m an idiot with teenage angst.
DIDN`T YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT YOU PRICK?
ah that feels better.
i should do that more often.
that is what i think the better majority of a day.
sad? fuck you.
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| so motherfucker. |
[31 Oct 2003|04:39pm] |
well, i would just like to say that themed costumes between boyfriends and girlfriends are fucking homosexual. last year during halloween i had a boyfriend and i did NOT do a themed costume shizznat. and i don`t think i would, unless it was some costume party shit when i`m old and have no life anyway.
joined at the hip couples are gay. fucking faggots.
"let me call my boyfriend every 4 minutes and talk to him online during every free period so i can show everyone i`m a pathetic scumbag loser with no life or friends whatsoever."
pa to the -thetic.
and
i don`t like people who are all like, "nah i don`t like her." then act like they do.
that shit is also gay.
fucking be real.
not hard.
you know?
ugh.
and i don`t like people who pretend they care and then do jack shit when i need them
/end.
edit: all of that can be ignored because its such a lame bunch of complaints. thank you.
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[25 Oct 2003|11:34am] |
haha.
i just said to my dad, "you let me down"
and he broke.
and apologized.
and my mom is pissed at him.
haha sucker.
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| generic bitching post. |
[25 Oct 2003|11:11am] |
because i can. fuck yeah.
so i`ve been doing that illegal driving thing for a while now.
because i need to be 18 when i get my license. whatever.
and my birthday is in january, so i need to get on the ball and take my 5 hour review class so i can schedule the road test and get on with it.
and i`ve been asking my dad for help, and he`s been like "i did it all by myself, i`m a major cockface."
so whatever, i do that thing, and i plan for the class.
today, down forest ave, 50$.
and i tell my parents four days in advance.
and today is the day my mom is having all of her family, whom we never see, come over.
fucking joy.
but my class would have ended in time for me to be home for that.
i made sure of that.
so i ask them about 54372857934 times last night to wake me up before 10.
wake me up before 10.
wake me up before 10.
1015, i wake up.
and my mom said i was selfish.
and yelled at me.
and if she asks me what i`m doing, i can be like "wishing you death *laugh laugh* because you`re stupid and ugly, and i know i cannot be of the same gene pool, you can leave now, there will be no talking to laura, she is dead, and she didn`t like you anyways."
i was looking forward to this stupid class all week.
fucking let down sons of bitches.
+ good for nothing asses.
they`re not even gunna end up paying for my college edu, so they should quit fucking bitching about it.
and they SHOULD pay. they should pay and shut up and like it.
ew. i hate them.
"notice, hate is a strong word, and look at with what ease i`m saying it. i hate them."
fuck off.
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| <x3 |
[19 Oct 2003|10:11pm] |
if you saw me you`d be so content
but i win, because you can`t.
if you knew me you would crush my will
but i win, because you don`t.
if you held me you would tear my skin
but i win, because i`m cold.
if you loved me you`d soon walk away
but i win, because that cannot be.
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[19 Oct 2003|02:13am] |
i fucking wish you were dead.
i wish you could die in a fucking car accident.
and they say "be careful, cuz what you wish for you might get."
that`s exactly the fuck why i`m wishing for it
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[12 Oct 2003|03:03pm] |
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today i realize my scars have faded much too much
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| and i swear if you knew you`d laugh in my face |
[05 Oct 2003|08:52pm] |
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mmm. fuck yeah.
sick. dying. well duh. we`re all dying.
::feels like writing::
i always feel like writing. the problem is knowing what is worth writing. because writers all have that bit of self-importance going on that causes them to think "i should write this shit down."
mhm.
i`m on chapter six. holler.
i just get so pissed man. i just get so fucking pissed man.
i just get so pissed that all your looks say "bullshit."
but i guess you get so pissed, because all of mine say, "fuck you."
and maybe i am just afraid + preemptive.
and maybe i should be saying "fuck you" anyway.
one can never be so sure.
i can`t help but be so vague.
(attempt)
okay. so i think this "friend" of mine really doesn`t like me.
really thinks i`m up to no good. is really out to get me, or some shit.
because of the looks. and the power struggles. ::contemplates:: the power struggles.
::continues::
some things just are the way they are, because they are the way things have always been.
like, someone wants to do something, i`ll make the plans. otherwise they`d never get made.
and that`s the way things go. and if someone else wants to do it, praise them.
but i don`t know. it isn`t that simple. there`s this underhanded authority that goes with everything we do. and we all want to be in change, looked up to, whatever.
today everyone said i was going to harvard. and they smiled at me. like i was all they had.
i guess that`s a lot of pressure huh.
especially since i`m not going to harvard.
but i can`t help but resent that. why do people feel the need to validate themselves through the acheivements of others?
like, "i`m cool because we won the war."
you`re still the lame ass piece of shit you always were. sorry.
and, "i`m cool because my cousin goes to harvard."
and where is your broke ass? you know?
one of my brother`s 583290572308 girlfriends went to harvard for graduate school.
and my mom was like "oh my son`s friend went to harvard."
that means shit about you.
and my brother went to williams. another ivy. "oh my son went to williams."
uhm. that`s fucking peachy.
::gets back to the point::
people have always been comfortable letting me do things, because i`ve gotten used to doing them. that`s all.
and when other people try to take charge it`s cool.
unless..
they suck at doing it.
but insist on fighting me anyway.
my egotistical, "all-powerful" side says "uhm. not smart."
when i am kind enough to say how something should be done,
that is how it should be done. trust me. if i didn`t know, i wouldn`t say.
and i don`t always say.
so when people, who are wrong, argue with me,
it pisses me the fuck off.
and, surprisingly, i am not so bad as to say, "everyone who argues with me is wrong."
that isn`t true.
but whenever some people argue with me and they`re wrong i want to smack them in the face.
and i can`t.
hense i write this bullshit.
::other shit::
i hate females.
fuck them.
there is nothing cute about being stupid.
you pieces of shit. you fucks.
and when your peers laugh at your stupidity you shouldn`t take it as inforcement.
you shouldn`t smile and think you`re cute.
you should want to smack them as much as i want to smack you.
believe me,
whenever i do something stupid i want to crawl in a hole and die.
and that`s the fucking truth.
see, i`m so good, i admitted i do stupid things.
all the mother fucking time.
::wants to continue::
and i can mother fucker, i can.
my hands are cold. shaking a little. hard to type. fuck.
i say fuck a lot.
cuz i can. cuz i think "fuck" a lot. and why hold back, you dig?
sometimes i really wonder what some people are thinking. because sometimes i think things are so crystal clear, and other people just seem not to see them.
so i wonder if they`re playing or if they`re truly oblivious.
like when i see something, like a connection, or something, something special, and i really fucking see it..
something plain as day
and whomever else may be involved doesn`t..
it makes me wonder what the fuck. and maybe i`m making shit up.
so i figure i shouldn`t see it.
so i protect myself with walls and blankets and shields and blindfolds. and there isn`t anything there to see or contemplate.
then again, that doesn`t help. because one never sees these things with their eyes.
circle again.
and i think, "fuck."
but sometimes i really think you want to lean over and kiss me. and you prove me wrong.
and i could slit your throat in that instance. really. call it hypersensitivity.
but maybe you do and you`re just too afraid.
and that i can`t blame.
but when i think that the poor self-esteem gets to me. and says "nope. you`re gross. shut the fuck up."
and i think, "okay."
and i think the same things all over again.
fuck.
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| my reasons are all my own and i know i put on a better facade than any of yous. |
[27 Sep 2003|04:07pm] |
I honestly have too much shit to be doing this weekend than to do this.
Than to want to go outside. Whatever. I hate you.
I think I really have people fooled into thinking this is all I want.
lol
I thought I made it obvious that I`m hoping this isn't all.
I know I`ll never be first choice.
But for what its worth,
I think you`re lovely.
And if I say I`m happy it can look like I`ve made no mistakes.
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| i`ll never give you the nails while you`re holding that cross. |
[24 Sep 2003|07:43pm] |
hey. i wrote that. that`s pretty good. i`m going to make a poem out of it later.
that`s how all my poems start. a clever one liner that i feel pressed to elaborate on so that i may truly explain how i feel inside.
somehow it always seems unfruitful. but sshhh. i`m the epitome of health and sanity, sense of self, consciousness, and all those things i lack.
today i tried to write about something different in religion, then my usual rants, and.. well, i`ll just put it here and explain it`s failure of being what i had in mind.
in my youth i pray to keep.
no one sings like you...<3
okay. i didn`t write that. that. that`s soundgarden. duh.
i wrote this crap:
gotta love that religion gives me the chance for some therapy (writing)
i`m going to stray from my spiritual/psychological nature today.
and talk about the world.
and the need for education.
pardon me if this sounds naive, but why don`t we just give starving children in third world countries seeds? seeds that would grow and flourish in their climate. i`m sorry but maybe the situation is being made worse than it is. maybe because we think it is an unsolveable problem, we don`t bother solving it.
psychology again. but i`m riding the tide.
so the key to solving problems is first believing they're solveable. aha.
then what`s the next step?
SOLVING IT
-but that`s impossible.
FUCK YOU.
of course we`re only going to solve something we deem possible.
therefore to be truly free we must believe there`s no impossibility.
and the bell rang.
but just to finish that thought, i, personally, can contradict that statement by saying truth is freedom, and truth is that some things are impossible. i can`t fly. i just can`t. but i`d love to, really.
so by accepting that + understanding it, i am free.
and by disregarding and dreaming, i`m trapped.
but i`ll never fly if i don`t think i can. =/ hhhhhhmmmmm.
anyway. yeah. see i`m aweful. i couldn`t stay on topic. children needing seeds, me flying. whatever.
in the dawn of time there was no need for education. there was no need for education until the system of education to which we all have become dependent was created. it`s an unfortunate reality. today you need education, the more the better. but we would have never needed it if it hadn`t been forcibly placed on us by those puritan mother fuckers.
secondly, capitalism will always survive as long as the belief is perpetuated that socialism will never work.
the doctire of socialism is that primarily all the people in a state have the same basic essentials. these include housing, food, clothing, health care, etc. then, they can work for luxuries.
we have people sleeping on the street.
socialism could work.
not to say "capitalism kills."
that makes me want to go on a tangent about the language we use. okay. really quick.
pro-life and pro-choice. not the ideas, just the words.
is pro-life synonomous with anti-choice?
is pro-choice synonomous with anti-life?
aha. we always choose the positive, the pro, to boost our own morale, and make the cause more appealing to fight for.
i found that interesting.
back to capitalism.
blah. i got psychological about it. fucker.
aha. everything relates to our psyche. (duh)
so, the belief in the effectiveness of the capitalist society depends on one`s connection to the people around them.
if you`re fine with seeing people suffering, if you can convince yourself that it`s all their fault while you`re in a warm leather clad lexus, then capitalism is just fine. really. i don`t mean that to sound condescending, i really don`t.
but if you are connected to the people around you, and you want to better man as a whole, for your children, and their children, so they will never have to sleep in a box because they lacked social skills, or whatever may have detained them from making themselves successful, then simply let go of your capitalist ideals.
i love capitalism, i just love the idea of a bettered human race more.
that`s all.
the dumbing down of america makes me want to say fuck it though. because i`ll be all high in style and they deserve what they get.
haha. that was really capitalist.
*shrug* all these things are mood based.
psychology.
=/
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| shit i wrote in religion because religion is fucking pointless. |
[22 Sep 2003|07:14pm] |
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sometimes things just get me so mad, it`s truly inexplicable, unfathomable, and all those synonyms. i want to be a writer, and a genius, and beautiful. i want to be a prize, a star, a babylove. whatever, candy canes and pet names. and held. eye contact is one of those things you love and hate. at least i love and hate it. sitting in this musky room. and wanting to die and wanting to run. i shouldn`t be left alone with my thoughts. shame for shame how i`m just like you. i want to be with you. can`t you see me on your feet and clawing at your legs. can`t you see me saying your name. can`t you hear me staring you down. i`m a hustler baby. i`m still mad about that. what`s a traditional human habit that i should rant about in my psychological scientific manner? the need for acceptance. so much so that the acceptance acheived isnever enough. and such, whatever. ramble ramble, mindless and mindful, a paradox, alone and lied to. if i am a nuclear physicist and love the laws, then how am i to break them in that same profession; how am i to expand and grow if i love the law? so science teaches us to hate the law, by seemingly robbing it of its most pleasant nuances. this period has been long. bye.
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| speakin' in tongues, i've never spoke this speech before... |
[14 Sep 2003|10:58pm] |
and when I write such things you got to have faith that I know exactly what I'm doing.
I think the biggest turn off is immaturity.
Well it's a pretty big one. Maybe a mixture of immaturity, stupidity, and arrogance.
There's gotta be one word that embodies all three character traits.
I'm slow + I can't think of it.
hmmmmm. I want to write. I want to write something special and thought provoking.
Its creativity and its pounding at my heart.
It has no where to go.
I can't say I know why you've run so far; and what's over there that I'm not holding out for you right here.
I have this inability to say what I'm really feeling because time has taught me it's one of the stupider things to do.
So I'll divulge into my actions as if for recompense:
Yesterday Jesse came by and took me to some friends dorms in Wagner.
We had a nice time.
Today I went to Cornell University. I'd really love to go there. I'm applying and if I get accepted I'd go in a heartbeat.
But that acceptance stuff is the hard stuff. I'm working on it though.
Then I sat and cought up on some net business, because I have a life, and then I took a practice math SAT. Then I realized I don't have the answer sheet so I'll never know what I got on it. Fuck. That reaaalllyyy pissed me off. But oh well. I wasn't meant to know.
There you go.
See, all that destiny/fate bullshit can be the source of great strength, and insanity.
Because if I just convince myself that it was "fated" that I don't know what I got on my practice SAT math test, and that there is nothing that can be done, I can forget the subject, and move on, and pick daisies, and do whatever it is people who hold their lives up to fate do.
But if I convince myself that fate + destiny exist then I also surrender my life out of my own control. Nothing I do is with purpose. If something is "destined" then it would happen regardless of my action. So why take action? In that, destiny is the stupidest concept in the world.
It's so easy to say, "it's meant to be." It renders us free from responsibility. And being a species characterized by weakness + a prevalent desire to be controlled I guess fate is here to stay.
I hate the idea.
You could call it, me being a complete and total control freak.
But if fate tries to control me, I'm going to have to smack her up.
Why is everything so paradoxyl like that?
(There's no way that's spelt right)
Like the whole life shit.
God that's annoying.
"There's no point to life because you die anyway."
or
"Because you die you need to make life worth while."
What the fuck.
OR!
"These are the questions that make life worth it."
or
"These questions are a pain in the mofo'in ass."
Definitely the latter.
I'm so tired, of playing
playing with this bow and arrow
gunna give my heart away
leave it with the other girls to play.
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| this is my first... |
[14 Sep 2003|06:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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i'm so cold inside. |
] |
entry =]
The song in my current music is really good.
Two of my best friends betrayed me to an ex boyfriend of mine today.
Throw them in the genocide.
This layout needs some work.
Need to study for the SAT.
I will pioneer a new way;
a mind not to be changed by place or time.
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